Roses and Minstrels and Other Ways to Seduce Your Love
by WhatIsThisNormalYouSpeakOf
Summary: Arthur notices the look in his knights' eyes whenever they see Merlin, so he resolves to have a talk with them. The next thing he knows, his men are giving him advice on how to set the romantic mood, and Merlin realises that everyone in Camelot is a homosexual. Slash. (Duh.) Crack.


**A/N: Okay, my attempt at humor. Let me know if it's terrible. I do love reviews!**

**I don't own Merlin. Well, neither does BBC. I mean, they own Merlin, just not Merlin. I don't know what my life is.**

Arthur looked out his window into the courtyard below. There were two groups of men training in the field, one group the older, more experienced knights, and the other a gang of uncoordinated squires, only some of which were able to hold a broadsword for more than five or so minutes. Snow was coming down in clumps, adding to mountains of wintery white material everywhere. It was good weather for training, Arthur always said. Physical work generates body heat, so if the men were shivering, he knew to push them a little harder. And it kept them warm. If being able to protect their lives didn't mean enough to them, not freezing to death was certainly quite the motivator.

Both groups stopped suddenly, all turned in the same direction. Arthur couldn't quite see what they were looking at. Perhaps some mighty beast? No, if it was that they would be in fighting positions, not leaning on their practice weapons to smile and wave. A beautiful girl? Yes, that must be it. The prettiest girl, that had them all enchanted. Who was it? Who was this beauty, this woman who had them head over-

Merlin trotted into Arthur's view, clumps of snow caught in his air, his clumsy feet hardly able to carry him, especially when he was lugging Arthur's armor behind him. But where was the woman? All the men were looking at-

Merlin. They were all looking at Merlin. It wasn't a look of love in his men's eyes. It was a look of companionship. It had better be a look of companionship. If it wasn't a look of companionship-

Arthur resolved to have a long talk with those knights.

* * *

"Hey there, chaps," he started of the meeting, trying to sound more casual than his usual regal words implied.

"Prince Arthur." They nodded to him respectively.

"Sire." It was Sir Leon who spoke first. "Is there something you require? Your message sounded quite urgent."

"Did it?" Arthur asked. "I wasn't aware." Yes he was. Arthur had made it very clear to the kitchen boy he had found to make sure the knights gather in the planning room immediately. With no delays. He had even given the boy a silver to escort them all the way there. The matter at hand was of the utmost importance. "The matter at hand isn't too important. Just thought I might as well go over it now instead of later."

The knights looked at him curiously, and Arthur found himself forcing his own mouth to speak.

"Merlin," he started with, and several of the men looked around for the boy before realising that he wasn't actually in the room. "My manservant." Arthur tried to suavely lean on the edge of his chair, but tripped and fell off instead. He quickly leapt up and sat down again, his expression making it very clear that the event never happened. The knights didn't mind too much; Arthur tried this move nearly every week, and had only achieved it properly twice.

"You are not to look at him."

"My lord." Leon whispered. "We know you want Merlin to yourself, but is banning all other men to look at him really the proper way to approach the matter?"

Arthur was left to sputter. "I- I am not in love with my manservant!" he shouted, horrified. "I'm not in love with anyone!"

"Why not just ask him if he wants to go out for a drink?" Leon suggested. "Or have him bring an extra serving of food for your dinner and surprise him."

"Light scented candles. Vanilla will really set the mood." a large man said from the corner in his deep voice, before recommending a candle shop in the main market.

"Put rose petals on the floor and on your bed." said a lankier red-haired man. At this, the other men all charmed in.

"Light incense."

"Find under clothes with lace on it." Leon put in, and all the others looked over at him. He shrugged, quickly going very red in the face. "What? It's what the women do."

"I'm not a woman!" Arthur reminded him loudly before remembering what he should really be defending himself for. "And I am not IN LOVE WITH MERLIN!"

"Er- should I just come back later then?" an awkward sounding voice asked from behind Arthur. The prince whirled around, his face burning.

Merlin was standing in the door, looking rather pale, except his ears, which had turned a bright red. His eyes were popping off of his face, and from his expression, he had only heard the bit Arthur had shouted.

"No, no!" Arthur tried to fix his mistake. "I said 'I'm not in love with Merlin.' Not I'm in love with Merlin." It was a flabby excuse and they both knew it.

"Right. If that'll be all, Sire." Merlin stammered, still not daring to make eye contact.

Arthur was about to let him go off and polish his armor, or whatever it was Merlin did in his free time, but first caught glance of the knights waving their arms and mouthing words at him, most of them profoundly dirty things that Arthur was just aching to hang them all for.

"See you at dinner, Merlin?" Arthur asked nonchalantly. Merlin just looked at him strangely.

"Yes, well, I'll be bringing you your food, like I always do."

"Oh, right." Arthur realised with a start. "How stupid of me. So. Stupid." A tiny sigh escaped his lips, and internally Arthur was strangling himself. Merlin sent a look in Arthur's direction before leaving. The prince turned around to face his knights, proud to say he was only sweating slightly.

"OOH!" they all squealed like girls.

"You better treat him right, Arthur." Leon sighed happily. "If it couldn't be me, I suppose I'd have chosen you for next." The other knights all nodded in agreement.

"Hold on!" Arthur shouted, realising what Leon had just said. "Are you- Are you IN LOVE WITH MY MANSERVANT?"

"Oh. Never mind." Arthur whirled around and found Merlin once again standing in the door way. "I just, uh. Came back to see when you were going to be done. That's alright. I'll go. I'm leaving." He walked out again, this time not bothering to close the door.

"Bye, Merlin!" the knights called like chittering girls, all waving and grinning like idiots.

"I don't believe it!" Arthur screamed at them, snapping out of their lovesick gaze of longing. "You're all sexually attracted to my manservant!"

"To be fair, you're sexually attracted to your manservant too." the big knight defended.

"Do let us know if you two ever break up." the lanky man added. "Me first, preferably, so I can give the team of minstrels a bit of heads up and go pick some roses."

"Minstrels! Roses!" Arthur shouted. "Stay the hell away from my manservant!"

"Well you can't have him all to yourself!"

"What is wrong with those idiots?" Merlin asked, dumbstruck, standing in the hallway. "Am I really that sexually attractive?"

Gwen didn't respond, silently hoping Merlin wouldn't notice, and he didn't. The men were all standing in the planning room, screaming and hitting each other while they fought for who got Merlin next.

"I'm not an object to be shared!" Merlin objectified, but they weren't even aware that he and Gwen were there. Then, to Gwen, "Is there some sort of rule where they only hire homosexuals to be knights?"

Gwen shrugged. "No, I think that's just nobles in general."

"All nobles?" Merlin asked her, mouth wide. "All of them?"

"Well, not all of them." she backtracked. "But a good few. Honestly, have you not noticed?" Merlin shook his head. "Why do you think Gaius is still in hire here? God knows he can't make a simple draught to save his life! Uther's in love with him, that's why Gaius always personally delivers the king's medicines."

Surprisingly, the fact that his guardian was in a gay relationship with the king did not bother the boy as much as Gwen would have expected. "Gaius can't make medicines?" he asked, shocked. "What have you been taking all these years?"

"Oh, we just spit them out as soon as Gaius's back is turned." Gwen told him cheerfully. "Except the Lady Morgana, I wouldn't be surprised if he accidentally poisoned on of her sleeping draughts. Remember that, Merlin." she added thoughtfully. "You don't want her to blame you for poisoning her when it was actually Gaius all along."

Merlin nodded his agreement, but the knowledge was swept out of his head mere moments later.

"So all the nobles are really homosexuals?" Merlin asked, as they watched the knights who were still fighting each other, except the ones who were lying unconscious on the floor. (Or dead, he couldn't really tell.)

"Well, not all of them." Gwen comforted him. "The Lady Agatha is still firmly attracted to men, I don't know how she does it. Even the personal servants of the royals are almost always turned after a few months." she happily paused to think about Morgana, and sigh. "Remember that too, Merlin. You may not be attracted to Arthur now, but give it enough time and you'll be shagging in the supply closet."

"Gwen!" Merlin shouted, mortified. But Gwen did not respond, only turned her eyes back to the entertainment.

* * *

Four months later, a scullery maid did, indeed, catch Merlin and Arthur shagging in the supply closet.

She quickly ran to the king, hoping for some kind of reward for this intelligence, and instead found Uther, Gaius, and Geoffrey the librarian in some kind of disturbing three way.

So she searched for the Lady Morgana, needing someone to share this gossip with. She discovered Morgana and Gwen in a heated argument; it seemed the Lady's servant had caught her cheating.

With Lady Agatha.

**A/N: Thank you for reading! Reviews are a great way to show that you liked it. **


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